July 30th, 2019

(no subject)

Because of my work situation, I feel more and more cut off from everybody and everything - most of all, I feel cut off from myself. I am working in retail at the moment and we are approaching peak season. The workload went up two weeks ago and I am only having one day off a week. It is a small convenience store/gift shop, but I am usually on my own during most of my shift, faced with a plethora of people. I am seen as nice and friendly, approachable and reasonable, because I have mastered my 'game face'. No one would really know that I am not NT, because I mask and project quite well - to the point I don't recognise myself. Inside, I feel like I'm dying. All my family's work patterns are different and I don't see them for long enough. Worst of all, I have very little time to myself, so I cannot debrief by talking on my dictaphone - a crucial personal safety valve.

Last year, I lost three stone (well needed), but now I am surrounded by junk food, I have gone back to binging on sugar, which makes my mood even worse. There never seems a time when I am not out of uniform, so not only do I feel removed from a very crucial part of myself, but also it feels like I have signed up to be NT and not realised it. It is part of the holiday industry - to not only be nice/normal but to be super-nice/hyper-normal etc to people I wouldn't normal engage conversation with and in some cases, I knew them in real life, I would cross the road to avoid them.

I feel like a mask has been stuck to my face and no one can hear me scream.