I know this is horribly self indulgent, but when I finished my degree, I really thought there was going to be a 'penny drop' moment - that I was going to go 'WooHoo!!! I've done it!' That I've proved it to myself and others and, true to type, thiis has been the case for various members of my year. My friend, who like me, was a mature student said, 'What was it like? I ran down the street practically screaming "I DID IT - HURRAH!!!"
It has not been like that for me...
The accident, the abscess in my jaw (which is still lurking like 'Danger - UXB' until I get my tooth knocked out next week) and the death of Dill, has knocked me for six and in a way, I am still on pause - not celebrating, not commiserating. Nothing. It's been ten days now and other than feeling 'It's a means to a f***ing end' - nothing. Bar anger issues surfacing in dreams where I am asking key people to stand up and apologise for the way they have treated me. I imagined using celebratory music (mostly Jungle and Goldfrapp) - tried that, it felt hollow. More pleasent things have happened - like my GradIntelligence account is now treating me as Plymouth University Alumna and I have got access to all kinds of goodies that I didn't before. It is also confirmation that I won't be tap tapping away on a new assignment, arguing to the nth degree on different angles etc. Relief in some way but...dread in others. I have spent my life as a bookworm, then threw everything I have at the degree. Now, I do not feel like I want to to read ANYTHING - classics, chick lit, comics - NADA.
You may ask yourself, well / How did I get here? [...] And you may ask yourself /Am I right? Am I wrong? / And you may say yourself / "My God! What have I done?
Dill's ashes are due back today. We are hoping to sprinkle them on the lawn before the rainfall that is due tonight.