April 11th, 2016

Wide Awake

Hello Darkness, my old friend - seems I'm wide awake again 0_o.

I went to sleep and had a bizarre dream about the Singapore noodles I ate this evening.Woke up abruptly and the ability to settle back down to sleep, is so far, illuding me.

Brain doesn't want to switch off now. It is not helped by the fact it is J's yearly check up with a string of worrying tests to boot. I must admit to feeling rather overwhelmed recently. Not enough space - I need to change that. Go up on the hillside and just unplug from everyone and everything.

We had a wee thunderstorm a few hours ago, which I have caught on film - will upload later. Right now, I have got to wind down and not think of tests, pending assignments or going back to uni.

Or thinking of old and/or absent friends. Really wish I could settle back down to sleep.

Feather Head

Very soon, I have got to return to the festering grit hole that is commonly known as Plymouth.  As the opening sentence may suggest, I am not particularly looking forward to this.  Over the Easter break,I have been lullabied by paper boxes and expansive doodle diaries, cocooned by ragrug weaving, whick will not pay the mortgage/utility bills etc in the long run.

It is no news that I hate uni, but have to complete the English BA course.  There are multi-layered reasons for my extreme reluctance, but mostly it's because I feel that I am done.  Yet, I owe it to myself to complete this course, because this is it - the 'one shot', the very achievement that will lay down those ghosts, beat down those shadows inside.  It ihas been partly accomplished by the FdA last year and because of the achievement, I finally know (rather than merely guess) my worth.  In time, the full degree will top even that humble qualification.  I do not expect to find a rich seam of cool jobs, but I will have a better chance of hitting the vein with a newly-minted BA.

There is a part of me that feels why didn't I know my worth before? Why DO I needed it measured by the standard 'gold star' educational ideal?  Why do I need a piece of paper to validate me?

Inside the darkness, glittering eyes utter the unspoken words: Because you needef the tangible proof...
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