It's been a week since I walked away from the agency and now I am unemployed. I do not regret the walking away, but I am finding it hard to get work. Any work. It appears that securing permanent work is a luxuary or even a super power down in the sticks. I have a small amount of retail experience in an electrical wholesaler and then a general store, but not enough (it seems) to secure a shop job anywhere. It is also nearly a year since I got my results back for my final BA award; a very tidy 2:i, but since I have not been able to secure employment that reflects this, or indeed, very patchy employment all round, I tend to feel that the five years study was a Pointless Intellectual Exercise. It just feels like I have a huge student loan bill just to chase down some ghosts and lay them to rest. I know I need to turn this around, but the truth is that the only time I felt vindication was briefly after I had handed the major dissertation in and I had a cup of coffee on top of the Roland Levinksy building. I didn't feel joy or validation when I got my results (my beloved cat had just died) and I certainly felt hollow when I got my scroll. A very necessary rite of passage, but it felt like 30 years too late.
The thing is, since the end of my degree, I have barely read anything. Not even a magazine, chic lit - anything. Also, since the creative writing module, I have not written a thing. Throughout the course, my English became progressively better, but my creative streak has run dry. I was talking to an old friend of mine today, who has known me since we were teenagers together in that God forsaken hole that was our secondary school. She wrote the following words:
"I can't imagine that anything you write would not be good, you were made for it."
Any old friend could have written that, but she is a woman who is blisteringly truthful and would tell me if she thought my writing was crap. i told her it was courage, not to mention inspiration that I lacked. She told me not to be so bloody stupid and just get on with it. I had also said that I am trying to find a job, because waxing lyrical won't put bread on the table etc. She said to keep on looking, but meanwhile - GET WRITING!!!
I need reminding to do just this, so this is the reason that I am going to pin this to the top of my journal. It is not only for me, but any other like-minded individuals who have lost their creative way.
Posted from changeling67 at Dreamwidth