Mean As Custard (calico_pye) wrote,
Mean As Custard

The Toast - Every Modernist Novel Ever

I have to have a little crow about this, because it is absolutely bloody true - James Joyce, I am talking about YOU!!!

1. Surely Our Unhappy Marriage Will Be Revived In Paris

2. Our Marriage Deteriorates Even In Paris

3. Perhaps If We Were To Try…An Open Marriage

4. I Didn’t Have Anyone Particular In Mind, But Maybe One Of Our Intellectually Curious Friends Would Be Interested In Our Open Marriage, After All, It Is A New Century And I Hate Queen Victoria But Love Bisexuality

5. Let Us Break With The Closed-Minded And Stagnant Past, Except I Still Don’t Like Jewish People, Or Say Nominally Positive Things About Jewish People But In A Creepy And Condescending Way That Feels Super Weird A Century Later

6. Let Us Describe The Objects On The Mantel In The Drawing Room And In So Describe The State Of Our Marriage

7. Here’s The Worst Things I Can Think Of: Clocks, Factories, The Middle Class, Carpeting, Conventional Marriages

8. But What Was The War For, Thomas

9. I Have Inherited The Ancestral Home, But It Is Now A Burden Rather Than A Gift, Which Reminds Me Of Another Burden…The Institution Of Marriage

10. Psychiatry Seems Interesting, Let’s Talk About That For Eighty Pages

11. Septimus Is So Terribly Conventional Now, Let’s Hate Him

12. I Had A Pleasant Yet Non-Eventful Chat With A Non-White Bartender And Now I Understand Alienation And The Human Condition

13. Why There Is Lesbianism: A Digression On Brainpan Dimensions

14. I Don’t Ever Want To Hear About Nation-States Again

15. Western Civilization Is Over And I Only Want To Talk About Rosicrucianism

16. Conflict Resolution Is For Edwardians, All I Want To Do Is Describe My Failed Attempt To Walk Down The Street To Visit A Butcher In First Person For 100 Years

17. Civilization Is No Good But Maybe Fascism Will Help

18. Could A Sanskrit Quotation Go Here? I’ll Put A Sanskrit Quotation Here Just In Case

I especially love the one about civilisation/Fascism.

(c) Mallory Ortberg 2016 - TOAST link HERE
Tags: modernism
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