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Ponderings of a Soon To-Be Ex Student



It is a little after 03:10 in the morning here and I am wide awake. Haven't had a sleepless night for a fair while. I put it down to the fact that I usually drink herbal tea and instead, I drank coffee at six this evening. I also didn't properly knuckle down to work until about five o'clock, which hasn't helped. I was as distractable as a kitten, looking for anything to take me away from what I was meant to be doing.

I have been thinking about my degree and how it has changed me. A lot has happened in five years, that's for sure. This time half a decade ago, I was recovering from a hysterectomy and considering my first really small steps back to education. Fast forward to today and I am near to its completion. It's both exhilarating and scary. I actually don't know what comes after this. In a world with even more uncertainty in it, what is in store for the mature graduate? I am also aware that I have been out of the loop for so long, I don't know quite how I will adjust being back in sync with friends and loved ones. I was bit of an introvert to start off with - the degree gave me carte blanche to be an absolute hermit. And I think that it suited me for a while. I can work within a team, but thrive when I am off doing my own thing. I never considered it to be a chore, I never considered it to be a problem. Until now.

Now, I feel lonely.

Maybe not lonely. Isolated. Yes, that's it. Cut off - from feelings, from people. I have the need to reconnect and/or forge new connections. I never really had the chance much when I was at university. We were all doing different things and were at different stages. It is difficult to forge friendships with anyone, especially with like-minded people, when you have to run in another direction and catch a train. I feel at odds with myself - I know there is going to be a fearful amount of work ahead of me and after I break through that barrier, I know that there will be someone to catch me. Then will come the anticlimax, the 'wait' for the results and the heart-stopping news - have or have I not got the result I want? Then renegotiation of the job market with the newly-minted BA. Could be exciting times that lay ahead. Could be...a huge crash back down to the reality of Pasty Land, where stable jobs are few, the market cutthroat and the wages piss poor in comparison to most of the country.

Please forgive me if I whine about 'da big scawy world out dere', but I don't see it being particularly more accommodating than when I left it to bury my head in books half a decade ago. Perhaps it's because I feel safe where I am, away from sadistic bosses with unreal deadlines, expanding my mind with study. Maybe that is why I sought the MA. I certainly don't now because of the time and travel pressure,but I do wistfully look at post graduate prospectuses on Open University, thinking 'Could I?'

It is these things that keep one awake at night. That and coffee. Burning my eyes out with a small android screen, system churning with unspent adrenaline.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
spikesgirl58
Mar. 21st, 2017 11:31 am (UTC)
*hugs* I think most mature students have the same feelings, misgivings, and anxiety that you are experiencing. Pele knows I did. Mostly I worried about what I was going to do with my degree. It will be okay, soon-to-be graduate. There is live after school.
calico_pye
Mar. 21st, 2017 05:19 pm (UTC)
Spent afternoon dozing - think the coffee has played my tummy up.
scrollwriter
Mar. 22nd, 2017 12:40 am (UTC)
Life after graduation
Graduating is anti-climactic, but there's a new world to be found outside the walls of academe. Perhaps the job hunting hereafter could provide some encouragement about getting back to being less isolated.
calico_pye
Mar. 22nd, 2017 04:54 am (UTC)
Re: Life after graduation
Thank you - I really hope so. I think it's a bit of a worry because of the local demographic. I am in the far south west UK, which is picturesque, but extremely low paid. I have far better prospects than I did have, so hopefully that will count for something :-)
scrollwriter
Mar. 22nd, 2017 05:34 am (UTC)
Re: Life after graduation
I suggest you shift to another location where your knowledge and skills, and of course attitude, can be in greater demand.

Wishing you well, and keep fighting the good fight.
bluegerl
Mar. 22nd, 2017 12:09 pm (UTC)
Sweety, this is such an awful phase you have to go through. That 'empty at the end of the road' feeling... but there is ALWAYS more road. And you'll gradually get back into 'life' and 'touching the world'... it'll more than likely come up and clobber you with its so DULL ordinariness.

BUT then there'll be the adventure of wondering if your degree (and it will be a good one.... promise XXXXX !!) will open some weird new doors... there are more things in this earth than are dreamed of horatio......(to totally WRECK that quote..)

. But opportunities DO pop up. Some folk just don't see them, or ignore. But YOU...you'll recognize THE opportunity and grab it with both hands. I think it will be with people, but not....'normal' borings... not 'work people/ but wildly enthusiasticly exploring people. Just 'gotta feeling' is all, but with you - nothing will be dull and boring. You'll be FINE and back being YOU all over the place.

The 'Lonely' is... the writer's bubble. it cannot be shared, or popped... No one can really understand that 'distant' feeling it makes. The only treatment for that is a bloody good drunk up in a very noisy pub with good friends. Or something like that. Just get in a busy noisy place for a day or so. Let the Plebs walk all over your finer sensitivies!!! teehee.

HUGS love, I know how you feel.... just squeezed into the bubble and am all warm hugs.....warm warm warm.............

calico_pye
Mar. 22nd, 2017 01:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you Looloo. I will definitely ponder on what you have said. I have to crack on, now - spent to long away from the PC (a conscience is a bad thing to have) :-)
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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